Out of Place.

So much of the time in my life, I feel out of place. Even (and often especially) with friends and family.

I'm 35, single, and not happy about it. So, what's unusual about that, you might ask?

Well, I'm 35, so older than ALL of my friends.
Not happy about it, which means I want to, even enjoy, going out to places where I might meet someone.
Single: most of the people I spend the most of my time with not only aren't single, but don't know any single people. It's not their fault, nor do I expect them to know single people to set me up with. I enjoy them for them, not for who they know. But sometimes I think, if these people are my friends and family, and I love them, then if they know someone who's single, wouldn't it be nice if that single person were for them them what my friends and family are for me? Wishful thinking.

If anything, it's my fault. It not like I haven't had my marriage proposals, or "really nice boyfriends". I have. I know. But, none of it worked out. And now, it's 2007, I'm 35, it's Friday night and I'm blogging. If it were 1996, I'd be journaling. I still have them, the old journals. Hate reading them, but can't bring myself to throw them away. Even when I thought I might die during surgery, and told my friend where they were just in case.

Most recently, I felt out of place at a knitting class. Teacher: 35 and pregnant with her 3rd. Other classmates: moms with kids. Other classmates: grandmothers. Me: ONLY SINGLE PERSON. Nothing to add to the pre-natal testing conversation, the 'kids going to college' conversation, or pretty much anything related to kids. Nothing to add the husband/boyfriend talk. I mention that I feel outnumbered and it's "Have you tried Lunchdates?" I just wanted to leave, cry, and throw the goddamn size 1 needle socks out the window. But, I tapped into the positive side of myself, which, I have to admit, is pretty strong, and participated, and did a few rows of the sock leg.

So, there should be a moral or a lesson or something to this post, I suppose. Well...plans to make myself feel better: manicure, pedicure, 3+days/week at the gym or exercising; positive attitude; best part: appointment next week to get a market analysis on the house. It's time. I'm moving out of Worcester. If nothing else, I'll be out of the line of sight.